前排了……好激动啊！

**6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
早起的鸟儿或许有虫吃，但是第一只老鼠肯定吃不着奶酪（捕鼠夹）
***7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
这世道送快递的都比**跑得快
8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
**跟打牌一个道理，你要是摊上个没用的伴，你就只能祈祷你的手好用了。
9、Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
有的人就跟钢丝虫一样（Slinky 自己百科吧）…用处倒没多大，不过看他们在楼梯上抽抽还是挺搞笑的。
10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和尿布有一个共同点，就是得常换，还都因为同样臭哄哄的原因。

**11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
战争只有一种真理：谁活下来谁就是对的。
12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
女人最多假装个高潮，男人能装整个恋情。
13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
我们从来不会长大，我们只是越来越擅长在别人面前**
14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
男人就两个模式：饥饿或者饥渴。他要是不要你的人，那就是想吃你做的三明治了
*15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
光速比声速快，这就是为什么某些人不说话看着还小清新，一说话就毁了。

16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
我妈骂我CNM的时候从来没觉出其中笑点
17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾经我以为我想开创一番事业，后来才发现其实只想每个月伸手拿钱。
18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
你要是认为全世界都不在乎你的死活，你可以试试欠上几笔钱……
*19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
**不是个陈述句，**是个问句，爽才是正确答案。
20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
晚间新闻总是先以“晚上好”开头，然后再一点一点告诉你这根本不可能。

21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
为啥他们随便扔个火柴头就是森林大火，我™用了一盒都点不着个篝火
22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
你说百分之八十的人都苦于拉肚子的问题，那岂不是剩下的百分之二十很享受拉肚子了？
23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
知道西红柿是水果只是有知识，从不把西红柿混进水果沙拉才叫智慧。
*24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
要是上帝在看我们的话，那我们能为他老人家做的也就是当个搞笑的2B了……
25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
无论…无论…无论如何也不要拿巴豆汤喝安眠药。

26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
老子进化这么多年才到达食物链的顶端，凭啥要当素食主义者？
27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
公交站是停公交的，火车站是停火车的。呃，那我这桌子就算是个工作站了。
*28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
吾若苟同于你，咱俩就都SB了。
29、Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
你知道么，海豚是种极为聪明的动物，被抓住几个月，他们就能训练人类站在池边给它们扔小鱼吃了
30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
有台电脑和我下棋赢了，但之后它和我比跆拳道输了……

*36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
你可以你自己开心么，其它人都是这么干的。
***37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
脑子里那个无主的声音也许不是真的，但他确实提过不少好主意。
38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
你要是觉得过去的事都无愧于心，那你丫八成记错了。
39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
世上本没有乖乖女，瞒天过海的事多了，就成了乖乖女。
*40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
泰山崩于前而面不改色？那是因为这货比郭敬明还矮。

41、Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
啥时候大光头啤酒肚的女人上街照样有人当女神，那男女就真平等了。
42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
小腿骨是停电时候找家具的神器。
43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
圣诞老人每天乐呵呵，因为他有地球上所有坏女孩的地址（还每年只上一天班——译者补）。
44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
抄一家叫抄袭，抄万家就叫研究了。
*45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
有的人一来大家就高兴，有的人一走大家都高兴。

***46、I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
我发现不管是大白鲨还是水草，碰我脚上换来的都是一样的惨叫。
47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
对于小个子来说，电梯人多人少的区别是——味不一样。
***48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
我没说是你的错，但这事我只能怪你
49、Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
我所有的表上“紧急情况联系：”一栏我都填的“医生”，真到那节骨眼上我妈能帮多大忙？
*50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
上帝应该是喜欢2B的，要么他造这么多干嘛

51、Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
每一个成功男人的背后都站着自己的女人，每一个成功男人的失败都在于另一个女人。
**52、I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
我对待生活一般是先加点盐调味，不行就挤点柠檬，再不行就来瓶二锅灌醉再说。
53、The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
给孩子起大名的唯一作用在于当你用到它时，那小子就知道自己麻烦了。
54、It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
从楼上掉下来不要命，要命的是着地那一下。
***55、Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
AI虽厉害，不敌天然呆。

****56、Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
永远不要打眼镜男（双关：永远别拿眼镜打人），拿棒球棒揍他吧（眼睛译者泪目：不会译也不要这么狠啊……求大神译之）
57、There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
随便抱抱和按住推倒之间的界限还是挺明确的。
58、A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
促销就是一堆价格诱人，屁用没有的东西。
59、Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
别跟丑人打架，他们破相等于整容……可你不一样
60、My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
哥的观点是啥不重要，关键是哥从来就没错过（译者插话：这个网上有个译版是：“我们要搞共产主义，也要搞有中国特色的社会主义。”唉……我就喜欢这态度）

61、My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
我的精神医师告诉我我有精神疾病，我说你有啥补充诊断没？他说有，你还挺丑的。
62、A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
一小男孩问他爹：“爹，你结婚花多少钱那？”他爹告他：“儿啊，爹也不清楚了，现在还没付清了。”
63、Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
有人说“打不过，就合作”。要我说就是“打不过，接着打”。因为他们会以为你下一步要合作，这样可以攻敌之不备。
**64、When in doubt, mumble.
不知道说啥就嘟囔嘟囔，别瞎说。
65、I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
我是想永远活下去的，现在看来进展顺利。
66、Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
热情的关键在于，即使你巴不得他立马滚回自己家，你也得让他把这当他家
67、If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
要是你干什么都得多试几次才会成功，那你最好别考虑高空跳伞。
68、A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
电视最多让你觉得才疏学浅，电脑则会让你觉得你的IQ实在对不起毛主席。
**69、Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
知识就是力量，有力量就有腐败，所以好好学习，天天变脏
**70、Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
钱是买不来幸福，但是钱能保证“痛苦”的日子好过一些。

**81、Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
有人说他能听见鬼说话，有人说他能看见鬼走路，其他人连点想象力都没有。
82、I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
我热爱工作，它简直让我着迷。我可以坐在那里看它一整天。
83、We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
枪械管制神马的够了，我们真正需要的是2B管制。
**84、Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
女人打你也许不够狠，但是绝对够“阴”。
***85、Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
记住，要是这个世界不够“蓝”（烂），我们连天都看不见（suck 本意为吸，吮，吸引[v.]，俚语常用作糟透了，烂透了[adj.]。同求高人翻译……）
86、Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
耶稣他老人家爱你，但所有其它的人都觉得你是个王八蛋。
87、I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
以前我是比较优柔寡断，现在我也不能确定我还是不是。
88、I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
我坚决不信任那些连着流六五天血都不死的物种。
89、If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
你要是非要保持脚踏实地的话，估计你是穿不上裤子了。
*90、To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
你要是想保证能击中目标的话，随便开一枪，打着啥就说你刚才瞄着啥。

91、You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
咱俩这样的好朋友，就算一块掉海里，只有一件救生衣的话…好吧，我会抢过来穿上然后怀念你一辈子的。
92、Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
常去教堂并不说明你是个基督徒，就像你常去车库并不证明你是辆车一样。
***93、Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
edition 1：改变是总要发生的，除了该死的物价
edition 2：虽然你不喜欢，别人总还是要找给你零钱，自动售货机除外（好吧，我承认我双关无力，继续跪求大神指正……）
94、If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
要是人人都学会吸取教训，谁还会要第二个孩子？
*95、A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
公交车很有意思，你坐在上面的时候觉得开个三蹦子都比他快，可你追它的时候又觉得这货应该是法拉利的
96、Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
发明“静若怯鼠”这词的兄弟绝对没踩着过老鼠。
97、You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
其实高空蹦极不用降落伞的，当然你还想玩第二次的话除外。
98、The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
想知道体温计应该插哪么，尝尝吧，说不定这支就是口腔温度计呢。
**99、When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
当他打你一拳，你就还他一拳的时候，记住，**总是会用枪的。
**100、Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
记住，你ooxx完了要是看见烟，那你肯定是太快了。