1、How much English can you speak?
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked,"How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said,"Give me your wallet!"

中文翻译
"法官先生，我的当事人被指控偷窃，这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约，几乎不认路。而且，他只会说几个英语单词。"
法官看了看被告，问道："你会说多少英文？"
被告抬起头，说："把你的钱包给我！"

2
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said,"What?"

丈夫给妻子看了一项调查结果，为了向她证明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000个字，而女人每天使用30000个。
妻子想了一会儿说，女人每天说的字数是男人的两倍，因为她们必须重复已经说过的话。
他问："什么？"

3
Boy: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

男孩：这个座位是空的么？
女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。

4、
"Tom, what's the matter with your brother?"asked the mother in the kitchen."He's crying."
"Oh, nothing, Mum,"replied Tom."I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."
"But has he finished his own cake?"
"Yes."said Tom."And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."

"汤姆，你弟弟怎么了？"妈妈在厨房里问。"他在哭。"
"没事儿，妈妈，"汤姆答道。"我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我不给他吃。"
"他已经吃完自己的了么？"
"是的。""我帮他吃完时，他也哭了。"

A guy says to his friend,"Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says,"If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says,"If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

路人甲对路人乙说，"猜猜我兜里有几个子儿？"
路人乙说："我猜对了，你能给我一个不？"
路人甲说："你要猜对了，我两个全部给你！"

"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class,"said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course."When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graduate students just write it down."

Dad: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days?
Tom: Every month.

爸爸：告诉我汤姆，哪个月有28天呢？
汤姆：每个月都有啊！

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said,"Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied,"Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."