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【求助帖,请问吧里有学雅思的吗?英语牛人也行】

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我这周末有雅思的考试,这刚刚写了一篇作文,希望有学雅思的朋友帮忙指点一下,谢谢.


1楼2012-09-12 15:04回复

    What factor lead my country’s football team always fail to take part in World cup? What assist North Korea to gain one score when they face so powerful Brazil’s football team? No doubt about it, as far as I am concerned, it is mental altitude that encourage the North Korea to arouse their potential and gain success.
    There is a vast amount of evidence of success to support why mental altitude is so crucial and indispensable. First and foremost, mental altitude is a spirit which give power to individual. Just as you know, when someone has a persistent spirit, his potential ought to be stimulated then by his hard working, it enables him to have access to gain remarkable success. A good case in point is my basketball team, we adhere to the spirit of never give up and energetic altitudes permanently, as a consequence we won the champion. What’s more, the ambience has a close relationship with altitude. On the one hand, the unity will be affected by it. To be frank, if I were a partner of someone who is idle, my enthusiasm of working will plummet and the efficiency will be gave a discount. This is true. On the other hand, the harmony atmosphere of team is the cornerstone of to be succeed and valid altitude does is an indispensable element of creating ambience.
    Admitted, the fittest and strongest team may have some genius and have more abilities nevertheless nothing is expected to beat a team, possessing proper altitude and team spirit.


    2楼2012-09-12 15:04
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      这是题目
      Some people argue that the fittest and strongest individuals and teams can achieve the greatest success in sports. But other people think the success is much related to the mental attitude. Discuss both views and give your opinion.


      3楼2012-09-12 15:05
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        求帮助.


        4楼2012-09-12 15:09
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          有人帮忙吗~!


          5楼2012-09-12 15:13
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            mental altitude。。。。
            第二段的首句略显罗嗦(托福角度 没考过雅思)
            最后那个是admittedly....
            第一个例子由语法错误 其实第二段有一些 这里不一一挑出了
            第二段最后一句话很奇怪 to be succeed。。。 直接改成success
            and 后面就又是语法错误
            还有 语言有点重复 要好好背单词了 this is true 最好去掉 太口语化了
            由于是一个主体段 论证逻辑就更重要 下次加强


            6楼2012-09-12 15:22
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              逻辑上 如果选择在最后一段让步的话,最好加上一个削弱对方的语言


              7楼2012-09-12 15:25
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                建议下次写完了先把作品贴到word 上挑一下基本的语法错误


                8楼2012-09-12 15:26
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                  On the other hand, the harmony atmosphere of team is the cornerstone of to be succeed and valid altitude does is an indispensable element of creating ambience.
                  这句话几个动词? harmony 是什么词性? succeed 是什么词性?


                  9楼2012-09-12 15:37
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                    楼主,有一些地方第三人称忘记改变动词形式了,还有开头似乎是语法错误,还有个建议,比如那个on the other hand,放到 the unity后面会更符合外国写作习惯


                    IP属地:江苏10楼2012-09-12 15:52
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                      A good case in point is my basketball team, we adhere to the spirit of never give up and energetic altitudes permanently, as a consequence we won the champion.
                      “[as a consequence ]= consequently ” so it is not unlike an adverb .
                      using an adverb, we cannot combine two complete sentences together .
                      


                      11楼2012-09-12 15:56
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                        the spirit of ... 后面又是basic error。。。
                        其实 语法错误不影响理解文章,但是读着读着就感觉很奇怪
                        就像是把袜子当成口罩的感觉 。。。。


                        12楼2012-09-12 15:58
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                          还有,不建议用什么 on the one hand 和on the other hand 这种东西, 过渡可以自然一点 这样既有逻辑性,还不落俗套


                          13楼2012-09-12 16:00
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                            反正小错误还是比较多
                            如果还在国内的话建议先去新东方等等的地方去找老师辅导(不是广告)
                            你需要有一个练习的方向
                            其实说中国国内的语法没用 也不是很准确
                            一些基本的东西和国外还是一样的 但是国内yy出来的各种升华版的玩意还是不碰为妙
                            本能化的语法知识才能避免这种不经意的错误
                            


                            14楼2012-09-12 16:03
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                              15楼2012-09-12 16:23
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