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[English]给自己很久以前的英语连载文写的自序。。大神指点一下

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顺便看看这样的风格高考书面表达大概多少分啊
(Perface)The place where I live is a city in which the traffic is often heavy, as we are often held up in the nearly frozen streams of cars, wondering how long it will be before we move. It's both tiring and relaxing to sit in the car watching the views moving after staying, staying and moving while approaching the destination, seeing the same and different movies playing along the familiar streets of the city.
There is a main road called Wuluo Road by which thousands of times I have passed, and I can recognize everything on it----every building, every bridge, every crossing and every traffic light. I can well remember that there used to be a bridge for people to cross the road, which has been pulled down while many passers-by didn't notice it. Near the bridge lies #387 Wuluo Road, the Wuluo Road Experimental Middle School, which was named Wuluo Road Aoshan Middle School those years.
Everyone would have complicated feelings when thinking back to "those years", and I could never talk about my years without mentioning math contests, at the #387. Every time at that very place, when I looked up at the sky under which we struggled in the same classroom, inches from one another, I couldn't help smiling to myself, to the clear blue sky.
That's how I feel, with the happiness, with the pains, with the forgotten A4...
Seeing the new buildings of #387, it's not easy for us to imagine the old school, the Class 3, which seemed to be still here yesterday.
That's not easy to say,
as everything seemed to be a century ago.


1楼2013-01-11 12:21回复
    应该说是开头。。。


    2楼2013-01-11 12:23
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      @徐均华 快来看高手写的作文,是不是比一般人高一个档次


      IP属地:湖北来自Android客户端3楼2013-01-11 12:33
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        先马,回去参考。


        IP属地:湖北来自手机贴吧4楼2013-01-11 12:34
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          还行,不过有些地方我也不知道用法地不地道。就看这一段应该是雅思作文6分左右……(个人意见)


          IP属地:上海来自手机贴吧6楼2013-01-11 14:02
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            @魏婷


            来自Android客户端7楼2013-01-11 15:16
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              很流利了,我就谈点问题吧。如果放高考作文里只能24、25撑死了,不适合高考的风格。另外不知道是不是序言的原因中心思想不够突出。拜读,拙见,共赏。


              IP属地:湖北来自Android客户端8楼2013-01-11 16:21
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                字数过多,


                IP属地:上海9楼2013-01-12 02:03
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                  从你的词句使用中可以看出来你的英语基本功还行,但是你注重的不是内容和主旨,你更侧重于形式,有些语法要点比如包括从句非谓语之类的的使用十分造作,读起来不自然。


                  10楼2013-01-16 13:53
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                    太形式化了。。。。


                    来自手机贴吧11楼2013-01-16 23:59
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                      那再贴一段正文上来吧,结尾。。
                      (3.5, final)The summer lessons were going to be finished, and there would be a long and important vacation. The real challenge had just started. I also had many important things to do, such as reading lots of books to improve my Chinese, preparing for the examination next year, and getting ready for going to senior high school. The targets became so clear, shining on my way ahead.
                      Looking aside, outside of the window of our classroom, I could see the destroyed buildings in Aoshan. It was still a sunny day, and I saw some pieces of the buildings twinkling on the ground. Later, the vehicles moved, burying them under the rubble, as well as the dandelions I had planted, with the forgotten A4 of mine.
                      In the noisy classroom, Yume said to me, “It was the last lesson. After the vacation, how will it be?”
                      “Nothing unusual. Teachers will be stricter, and students will be the same as before. The seats will be changed a lot, like last year,” I said,” but I don’t mind, for I’m always the person alone.”
                      “Yes, but I think we’ll be probably still here. Ms. Zeng once asked me to help you get over bad habits.”
                      “But… You’ve done! It doesn’t matter unless Ms Zeng let me sit beside a noisy boy.”
                      “Uh-huh” Yume smiled, “I don’t mind, either. But some of the students are too abnormal. I don’t like them.”
                      “I see. Maybe that will be a new starting point of us. It’s time to run ahead on your own, as what Mr. Li said.”
                      “I hope so…” said Yume.
                      “And also, I will work much harder in Grade 9, and not be involved in anything else, including…”
                      “Including what?”
                      I smiled without saying a word. “I see.” said Yume.
                      It was certain that there would be a great challenge before everyone, and it would be the most important time in our lives. In such noises, I should go head ignoring them, just like that vacation working on circles.
                      As for other things, I believed that time would tell and cover everything. It didn’t matter. On the way ahead, there would be views on both sides passing by, but after a short time, you would see that you were not at the same place anymore, while the sunshine was still there. Sometimes we stayed for a while, looking around, and then, go on running towards our targets. At the end of the way, you would find it was just a moment. Nothing more, I could see.


                      12楼2013-01-17 13:40
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                        @尚红年


                        IP属地:上海13楼2013-01-17 16:54
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                          十楼说的不错…


                          IP属地:湖北来自手机贴吧14楼2013-01-17 16:54
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                            看不懂...


                            IP属地:湖北15楼2013-01-18 06:43
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