An American walked into an English pub and asked for a pint of Budweiser.
The barman replied "You're American aren't you?"
The man says, "Yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered, or the accent?"
The barman replied. "Neither, you are the fattest **** I have ever seen."
一个美国人走进一个英国酒吧,点了一瓶百威
服务员问道:你是美国人吧?
美国人诧异的回答:是啊!你是怎么知道的?是我点的酒不一样,还是口音不一样?
服务员回答:都不是! 你是我见过最TM胖的!

I've just put a deposit down on a Porsche and mentioned it on Tωitter.
I can't understand why the Americans are so upset. 
All I said was, "I can't wait for the new 911." 
However, 4000 Pakistanis are now following me.
我新买了一辆保时捷,并更改了我微博的状态
很奇怪这么多美国人在回复里喷我
我新改的状态是:我等不及了,新911快点来!
不过,4000个巴基斯坦人倒是突然关注了我!

THE WAR AGAINST TERRORISM....
....God's way of teaching geography to Americans!
反恐战争: 这是美国人学习地理的方法!

50% of Americans don't have a passport.
It's not that they don't want to leave their country, 
They're just too fat to fit into a photo booth.
50%的美国人没有一张护照
不是因为他们不想出国
而是一张两寸照实在装不下他们"苗条"的身体!

Match of the Day - Slovenia 2-0 USA at half-time.
American News - Suspicions of oil under Slovenia.
今天的比赛是:斯洛文尼亚半场的时候 2:0 美国
美国的新闻:斯洛文尼亚地底疑似存在石油

Emigration to the USA is a good thing. 
Everytime someone moves to live in the USA from their home country the average IQ of both countries goes up.
移民到美国是件好事!
每次有人从自己国家移民到美国,两个国家的平均智商都会变高!好事啊!

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much does it cost?"
The American graduate with the Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
研究科学的学生会问:这个东西为什么能工作?
工程学的学生会问:这个东西是怎么工作的?
会计学的学生会问:这个东西的造价是多少?
来自美国的学生会问:我能用这个东西炸薯条吗?

I've just noticed that wikiрedia has an option of 'simple english' under languages.
Don't they mean American?
我上维基百科,上面除了"英文"选项外,还一个"简单英文"的选项
他们的意思是不是"美国人请点这个"?

What did the kamikaze pilot say to his students?
Watch closely - I'm only going to show you once!
神风敢死队的教练是如何教导学生的？
教练：看仔细了！！！我只示范一遍！！！！

Samurai on the Toilet.
A film by Takeshi Kitano.
(>_<)
(o_o)
(0_0)
(^_^)
The End.
北野武新片:<上厕所的武士>
(>_<)
(o_o)
(0_0)
(^_^)
完

99% of Japanese are cremated, the highest rate worldwide.
It has remained popular since it was introduced to the country by the Americans in 1945.
日本人死后99%都是火化,火化率世界最高.
是1945年美国人教他们的,从此便开始流行了!

Why are the Japanese afraid of Muslim women?
They think they're ninjas.
日本人为什么害怕穆斯林妇女?
因为他们以为见到了忍者!!

Sky News: A Man has Hi-Jacked a bus full of Janapese tourists. The Metropolitan Police found the man after he abandonded the vehicle because they had 5,000 pictures of him. 
日本新闻:
一歹徒劫持了一辆坐满日本游客的汽车.
最后JC发现歹徒放弃了汽车,因为游客们掌握了歹徒的5000张照片!

How many Japanese people does it take to unscrew a lightbulb?
10001.
1 to unscrew it and 10000 to take a picture.
换一个灯泡需要多少日本人?!
1万零1个
1个人换灯泡,另外1万个人负责拍照!