The record of my life has gone.
Like those inspirations, those pain, those struggles , those desperations, those wanderings didn't exist.
And I still fancy sitting around.
Walking along those unfamiliar streets.
People passing my eyes, street lights flowing in front of my eyes.
I stand by the alley, this quiet ,dark alley.
Shops closed, lights turned off.
I can feel the real me .the real life.the real loneliness.
My stomach aches. My hands sweating. My shoulders trembling.
And I keep going.
Do not talk to me. Do not ask me. Do not blame me. Do not condemn me.
Do not push me into the edge.
What do normal people do.
How do normal people deal with all kinds of relationship.
How do normal people pay for what they get.
Why am I the weriod in her novel.
Why do they look at me.
Why do they ask me.
Leave me alone please.
I just need a dark corner.

Why do they buy my love.
Why am I so cheap.
When they have money, that mrans love.
Am I a whore.
When they struggle for money, they show love.
Doesn't it ridiculous.
Or am I too stupid.
STILL CAN'T GET YOUR RULES.

How could I let it go.
When I wake up, the fear holds me so tightly that I can't stop thinking about it.
That u want it.
That u desire it.
That I can never satisfy u.
That u ignore my feelings and just let it destroy all I have.
How could I trust u anymore.
When everything that I thought was impossible has happened
When I have wasted five years learning to trust.
When we hug and kiss in the day and u turn to the whore at night.
And u say it's just revenge.
Is it just because I chatted with strangers so I don't deserve anything anymore.
Do we have to go this way.
Let it full of lies and lusts.
But how could people have sex with another person when they still love someone.
Why do they want it from a stranger when they just said love.
As long as I think about it, stomach aches as if I'm gonna vomit.
Those words like curse become the nightmare haunting forever.

I'm ****ing hate this feeling
The fear haunts me at any time
When I just wake up
When I walk along the street
When I sit in the airplane
When I come back from the crowd
Those memories are not precious anymore
Like looking at a stranger
And keeping asking myself what I did with a stranger
How ridiculous I am
Do i recall it on purpose
Or it exits and escapes from the deep of my heart
I just can't be alone
I just can't have a rest
And I don't dare to say a word.
To avoid being annoying
To avoid it happens again
To avoid it can never come back
Can I finally stop it
Or can I give up it

People will change. But they never change back.

The voice yelling for the last chance can never be heard.

Sometimes I just can't find the reason to continue my life.
IF death can bring the end to everything, why not give it a try.

it's not I have no one to talk to.
it's just the truth they can never understand.
and I even lose the energy to say a word.

How strange.
yesterday I said I'm totally fine being alone.
and 24hours later I'm trapped by myself.

For my whole life.
I've tried so many times and they r just placebo.
I beg for one's cherishing and love.
once and forever.
and the result is just as I already know.