He ignored it, until he couldn't any more.
They were out one night, a new bar opened nearby, so they wanted to check it out. Your typical friends about town, nothing unusual. Shou went to get them some drinks, beer, he’s been sticking to beers lately, just because. The bartender met his eyes, holding up a finger to signal it’s gonna be a bit of a queue. She finished mixing some of the most colourful cocktails Shou’s ever seen, then leaned over the bar with a warm smile.
‘Sorry about the wait. What can I get for you? ’
Shou gave a small shrug meaning no worries, ‘two beers would be great, busy night huh?’
‘Pretty much, but nothing I can’t handle.’ She bent down to yank out the bottles from the fridge, and expertly twisted off the cap. Just when Shou’s about to pick them up by the neck, she glanced over his shoulder.
‘There he goes again, does he always look at you like that?’
Shou startled, ‘who?’
‘Mr. Tall and Broody in the corner,’ she stage whispered, ‘hasn’t taken his eyes off you since you came over.’
Shou almost turned around and did a double check, no point really, there could only be one person.
‘Eh…my friend, he wants the drink bad I suppose.’
‘Ain’t the beer he’s been staring at,’ She gave a playful wink, ‘If I didn’t know better, I’d say he’s worried that you might disappear into thin air any second.’
Shou politely thanked her, dropped the money on the table and hurried off. Of course now that he’s facing him, Tora looked away, suddenly became very much interested in the wallpaper design.
Screw this, screw this hide and seek.


A newly determined Shou marched over, dumped the bottles on the table with a bit more force than necessary. Tora looked up at the screeching noise, genuinely surprised.  
‘We’re leaving.’
‘We just got here.’ Tora frowned.
‘I said, we’re leaving, now.’ Shou snatched up his jacket, pushing through the crowd without looking back to see if Tora’s following.
He did, and he called out after Shou as soon as the double doors swung shut behind them.
‘Hey, hey wait up cowboy, what was that all about?’
Shou resisted the urge to run far, far away from this whole scenario; he’s a lot of things, but a coward, he was not. At Tora’s puzzled expression, he threw both hands up in exasperation,
‘We don’t wanna talk about it, fine. But I can’t be the only one working on being friends again, Tora, I need to know where you stand.’
Tora’s face clouded over, ‘The hell? You think I’m not trying?’ Tora didn’t want to think about the note of pleading in his voice, hell, if pleading was enough, he’d drop down to his knees and beg time to turn back.
‘Trying to do what?’ Shou took a step forward, his jaw clenching, ‘let’s see who can ignore the elephant in the room for longer? News flash, it’s not working.’
‘Then what do you want me to do?’ Tora glared right back, ‘you want me to rehearse my every sentence, every move to be your perfect f*cking friend?’   The minute he said it he mentally winced, but neither of them was good at backing down.
‘Yeah right, you excelled in the ‘acting normal’ department, f*cking A+.’
Tora bristled, ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’


Shou drew a sharp breath and visibly steeled himself,
‘What we need, Tora, is time, and space. Just take a step back until we’re ready to forget, hell, one day we might even be laughing and toasting to what happened. But now we’re just dancing around egg shells. And I can’t do that anymore.’
‘Are you saying…’ Tora’s imagining this conversation; he must’ve been smoking some funky shit,
‘Are you running away because of a one night stand that neither of us could actually remember?’
‘Not permanently, but yeah, that’s the general idea.’ Shou started moving away, Tora got the distinct impression that’s he’s walking out of his life, indefinite leave, and the very idea had Tora’s guts in ice-cold twists. He hated the fact that his voice was all dried up, right when he needed it to sound like the word of God, to command Shou to stay.
Shou hated being told what to do; he knew that better than anyone.


‘No, no I’m perfectly sober, and yeah, the wanting to be my friend speech? Bullshit, what sort of friend would run off when things get hairy?’
There was no effective way of slamming a mobile shut, so Shou settled for 5 deep breaths, and a snarky reply.
‘What? You want me to hold your hand and braid your hair while you think things through? Man aren’t you turning into a real princess.’
‘Oh I’ve thought things through, I’ve thought things through plenty. Problem is, you haven’t. You’re too scared.’
‘Why don’t you enlighten me then if you’re so wise?’
‘Who says things have to stay exactly the same? Who says we can’t change for good? ’ Tora’s voice rose, ‘Is it so hard to accept? been a long time coming if you ask me.’
Shou opened the balcony doors; he needed some air for this, no scratch that, he needed a goddamn smoke for this, and a stiff drink.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Christ, do I have to spell it out for you?’ Tora was this close to some serious hair tearing.
‘No.’ playing dumb could only get you so far, Shou thought bitterly, ‘and the answer is still no.’
‘What? Why?’


‘Because I know you okay? I know you better than you do, I know your every single hook-up and how they ended, I know those guys and girls you’ve screwed and never looked back, I even know all your awful chat-up lines, and you can’t pay me enough to listen to them.’
‘This is…you’re different.’
‘Different how? Different because we’ve been friends since god knows when? Yeah, and that’s exactly why we can’t be more than that. I don’t want to end up hating you.’ Shou suddenly felt exhausted, he wanted a nap, a long one, so when he woke up all these would have been over. He just wanted it to be over.
Tora’s voice shook with barely suppressed outrage, ‘After all this time, now you don’t trust me anymore?’
‘I’d trust you with my life, Tora.’ Shou shoved an arm over his eyes, ‘but not with my heart.’
There was a click, and all that’s left was the busy tone, and a feeling that he didn’t, they didn’t mean to f*ck up this royally.
Iceland was so not far enough.


He did go to Iceland in the end, no point wasting a good ticket, plus he’s already packed.
It’s a beautiful country, but Shou felt strangely detached, as if most of him had already gone and halfway across the ocean, waiting for his flesh to catch up. He went to the live, stood there among hundreds and thousands burred faces, and the vast open space was filled with Jónsi’s wailing vocal, drowning in its ethereal beauty. Tears came then, hot and unbidden, like a plug was pulled out; he honestly could not stop though he had no idea why he’s sobbing like a baby, spreading snot everywhere, not a pretty sight. Some random girl gave him a sympathetic (scared?) look and some tissue; he smiled through clumpy lashes, a sentence suddenly popping into his head:
I’m the King of what could have been.
He blew his nose loudly.
The next stop was England, it’s generally wet and gloomy, but the people there smiled easily enough. He watched some girl wearing blue ballet flats standing up on tiptoes to kiss her boyfriend, the rain coming down in sheets around them. He drew the scene out with water colour, just shapes and hues, spilling over roughly sketched lines. His tea went cold, the waitress wordlessly offered him a fresh cup, he grinned back big.
France was a train-ride away, the streets were narrower, The Eiffel tower looked a lot more impressive on postcards, but the food was undeniably good, Shou fed himself silly, and bought tons of postcards for his friends back home---All abstract arts on monotone backgrounds, pretentious crap, he mused to himself, but still posted them all without a return address.


He called on Tora’s birthday with a payphone, carefully taking the time difference into consideration. He got voicemail, which was what he’d been hoping for without realizing.
‘Hey dude,’ he said, ‘happy birthday. Don’t get too drunk, your liver will thank you some day. Hope everything’s going well, say hi to your parents for me…’ The standard ‘you missed me?’ joke almost slipped out but Shou clamped it down, it sounded douchey even to his own ears. So he settled on ‘did you get my present?’ instead. He left the number of the hotel he’s staying in.
Tora didn’t call back. Shou thought as much; his dear friend was known to hold a grudge well if he put his mind to it.
He moved slowly across Germany, then Russia. St.Petersburg was awesome; he’s never seen so much snow in his life. Someone was playing the violin around the corner, Shou couldn’t understand a word of what he’s singing, but the tune didn’t need translation; it’s about glory long gone and lands faraway and dreams lost and come, come back home to me, bring all the broken pieces you’ve gathered along the way.


Shou emptied his pocket and gave the boy all the coins he had, in whatever currency.
He didn’t mean to be gone for long, he really didn’t. But by the time he came back it’s almost a year since he last set foot in his house. Shou dragged the suitcase in and left it downstairs without unpacking. He needed a shower first, and thankgodatlast some sleep in a familiar bed.
The next few days Shou’s busy hopping from one friend’s house to another. Greetings typically started with oh-my-f*cking-god-Shou-is-that-you, complete with saucer-sized eyes. Hiroto literally tackled him to the ground and threatened to cut his balls off if he’d ever vanish like that again, which was, essentially, what everyone else said, just with different wording.
He left Tora’s until last, because let’s face it, they didn’t exactly part on a happy note, and with Tora, you simply could not predict how’s he’s going to react this time round. Shou assumed that he still lived at the same place, pressed the doorbell a few times and waited, albeit a bit, okay a lot nervously.
Tora emerged wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt, obviously left his contacts somewhere as he’s narrowing his eyes to see better. Shou was hit with such an overwhelming wave of Déjà vu he almost stumbled.   Tora all but stared for 3 seconds before he moved forward as if in a trance, and pulled Shou into a single-armed hug. He started off tentatively, soon enough Shou’s having problem breathing, and he’s sure bruises were forming across his back.
When Tora let go eventually, Shou coughed out a grin,


‘Well, nice to see you too Tarzan.’
‘Still looking pretty as ever, Jane.’ Tora’s eyebrow shot up. Shou didn’t even have time to feel offended by the pretty remark, just threw his head back and laughed until he’s wheezing.
Man it felt good.
While Shou’s poking around the living room, Tora went to get them some beer. He peeked into the fridge and called out,
‘You hugry? How about some pizza or…Pizza?’
With the nerves died down, Shou’s stomach gave an elaborate rumble at the mention of food. He flung himself onto the sofa and groaned, ‘I don’t even care, ‘s long as it doesn’t kill me I’ll eat it.’
In 10 minutes flat, they were licking their fingers and burping loudly. Shou made a p0rnographic noise in the back of his throat,
‘Shoot me now, I’m already in heaven.’
‘Dude, I’m so not scraping brains off the floor.’ Tora stretched out on his back, ‘Go drown yourself in the bathtub, less messy.’ Shou immediately bit back,
‘Aww, don’t you love me anymore?’


His sluggish brain caught up half way through the retort, but the awkwardness didn’t come. Instead Tora snorted and kicked his shin.
‘Shut it will ya? You and your ego just about fit into the same room, if it gets any bigger I’ll have to get up and open the window.’
Shou would definitely deny the giggle that followed till his dying day.
‘So, what have you been doing all this time?’ Tora slumped into a more comfortable position, ‘apart from throwing away all your pensions.’
Shou shrugged, ‘Just seeing things, going around, explore. It’s fun; you should give it a go some time. What about you? Been lazying around?’
‘You could say that,’ Tora absent-mindedly picked at the label on the beer bottle, ‘wrote some songs, didn’t like any of them; went back to home home for a while, saw everyone again, I’ve got two more nephews now; not long ago we set up a fund, Well I said set up; more like just signed my initials on the dotted line. Supposedly for young musicians, I call them brats who think they’ve got what it takes…’ His voice trailed off, smiling a little fondly, Shou feigned shock and sat up straighter,
‘Wow impressive. Who’d have guessed huh?’


‘Oh there’s plenty more you’d never have guessed,’ Tora sounded mild, but his smile tightened ever so slightly, ‘You know, I thought about what you said, I thought about it, and you’re right. I’ve been an ass, heart-breaker and all that.’ Shou opened his mouth but Tora held up a hand and carried on,
‘But I wanted to prove you wrong. I wanted to make it more than skin deep for once. So I went and got myself engaged, to a real nice girl too. ‘
All Shou could do was to gawp, and wait, and gawp a bit more, but Tora seemed lost in thoughts, so he prompted,
‘And?’
‘And we called it off 2 weeks before the big day. I just couldn’t go through with it, and she couldn’t go through with someone who’s having cold feet. There you go, my tragically short engagement. Proof again that you’re always bloody right.’ He didn’t sound angry, just resigned.
Shou took a swallow from his bottle; he had no reply to that, no reply at all.
Both were silent for a while, minds elsewhere. Then Shou cracked up,
‘So between us, we’ve got 4, or was it 5 bands, a dozen band mates, some more mutual friends, countless lovers, mostly yours to be fair, a broken engagement. I think I should go and adopt a kid now, just to complete the picture.’
Tora covered his eyes with a wrist, his shoulders shook with silent laughter, or something else entirely.


Shou had a fraction of a second to make a decision, and the kiss itself lasted not much longer than that. Tora felt a dip of weight to his left, then a dry press of lips to his own lips, barely any force behind it. Later he’d congratulate himself on remaining so remarkably calm, or he’s just shocked into stillness. Either way he’s steadily looking at Shou eye to eye, the tips of their noses almost touching, and he somehow managed to form a valid question.
‘What’s that?’
‘An assumption,’ Shou didn’t blink, which was kinda scary up close, ‘did it work?’
Tora considered for a few heartbeats, ‘Do it again then I’ll let you know.’
The second kiss didn’t feel like a question, it felt like a claim, a first step towards home.
Of course both of them knew the mechanics; hell Tora’s theory was that your dick would fall off with prolonged disuse. So no virgins here, but the fumbling part still held true. What they lacked in finesse, they more than made it up with enthusiasm. Tora kissed like he’s throwing punches, all sharp teeth and bruising nips, Shou pushed him down to the bed and gave as good as he got, smirking in between breaths,
‘Slow down tiger, no need to literally chew me to pieces.’


‘Oh now you want to go slow?’ Tora’s hand snaked into the other’s jeans, ‘Lying is a sin you know.’ He emphasized his words with a squeeze. Shou almost arched off the bed, eyes shut on a curse turning into a moan; he was thrusting into Tora’s grip in earnest now, hips rolling, sweats gliding down his chest in tiny rivulets. Tora put his mouth to every inch of Shou’s skin he could reach, licking and biting, he had to, how could anyone not want to tame this devastatingly beautiful creature.
Shou could feel himself getting close, as awesome as that sounded, he had something else in mind. He grabbed Tora’s wicked hand just as the telltale warmth started to build along his tailbone----damn guitarists and their thrice-damned fingers.
‘Are we gonna f*ck this century or not?’ Shou licked a line from Tora’s pulse to his finger tip, who gave a full body shudder and ground out,
‘Jesus, don’t touch me when you say shit like that…’ Tora was fighting everything he had not to just manhandle Shou into position and take what he wanted. He wouldn’t, not this time, but god, this was draining every ounce of his will power. ‘How, how do you want to…’
He couldn’t finish the sentence as Shou’s already flipping them over so that Tora’s lying in between his spread thighs, he reached back over his head, gripped the headboard with one hand and using the other to pull Tora even closer, tilting his pelvis up; Shou never liked begging, at least not in words.


‘Fu…’ Shou clawed the sheets when he felt two cool digits pressing in, Tora was breathing ragged and warm against the other’s collarbone, tasting him, biting down to gain at least some sort of control. Shou’s stomach muscles trembled with the slick strokes in and out of him. There was plenty of lube, and Tora’s deliberately holding back so much that he’s practically vibrating with tension. But holy f*ck it’s been a while.
‘Yeah?’ Tora asked, and Shou nodded, not trusting his voice right now. The first slow push had Shou gritting his teeth together so tight he could feel it in his temples. Tora was murmuring soothing nonsense, kissing his brow like he’s some sort of frightened animal that needed to be gentled. Shou choked out a laugh and locked his heels just beneath Tora’s ass, pushing down and in,
‘Okay, okay, I’m good now, move, damn it.’
Tora gave a few shallow thrust and suddenly Shou’s straining for it, rocking up to meet every push and shove. He stared up at Tora with fever-bright eyes, all hitching breath and devil’s words spilling from his lips.
‘Come on, come on baby, not gonna break, that all you got? Thought you were a pro. ’  
Tora pinned him down cuz Shou’s moving around too damn much, and he didn’t want it to be over too soon. He’s starting to lose the rhythm when Shou jerked beneath him, shuddering and spasming, his teeth digging into his bottom lip; for a vocal he’s bizarrely silent when he cum, throat bobbing soundlessly as if in reverent prayer, and the sight alone could have sent Tora tumbling off the edge.


They held each other through the aftershock, sweating palms gliding over warm skin, offering silent comfort. And right there, in the dim light of Tora’s bedroom, the faint lines around Shou’s eyes seemed to have disappeared. It was like when Tora first took a good look at him, he’s barely 21 then, screaming his heart out on stage, young and fearless, his smiles easy and his hopes bright.
‘I’ll hunt you down and break your legs if you pull another disappearing act.’ Tora grumbled and bit Shou’s neck for good measure. Shou rubbed a hand through Tora’s hair, his voice a hoarse, velvety timbre,
‘I’m done running.’
Tora pushed himself up on one elbow and held Shou’s gaze, he needed to know for sure,
‘What changed your mind? What’s different now?’
Shou fixed his eyes on the ceiling, fingers tracing random patterns over Tora’s wing bone.  
‘Dunno really, I was...looking out over the sea, can’t remember which ocean it was, and it just hit me…I went all the way to the corners of Europe, and I’m still restless, how much further do I need to go? The north pole? And I couldn’t even remember what I was escaping from anymore. So I stopped.’
That sounded good enough for now.