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【英语】读后续写求助

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8u们能不能给我看看我这篇续写为啥扣了9分啊,感觉我情节也没错描写也挺多的啊救急!很想提高!


IP属地:浙江来自iPhone客户端1楼2024-11-06 23:38回复
    个人观点仅供参考。情节没啥问题,但是描写上,可以看得出来心理描写挺好,但其他描写有点太少了。尤其是表演时的紧张的心态,动作,环境描写太少,我认为这一部分是最关键的。
    But when I saw the look of anticipation on the faces of my teacher and my father, I swallowed my anxiety and hesitation and began to play. I struck the drums with power and precision, each stroke capturing the audience's eyes, each vibration seeming to shake the audience's heart, each drop of sweat witnessing my efforts. As the last rhythmic beat fell, cheers and applause covered the stage.


    IP属地:浙江来自Android客户端2楼2024-11-07 02:32
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      让我们一起来分析这篇文章,看看如何让它更出彩。
      原文讲述了一个叫Stephanie的女孩学习打鼓的故事。开始时她非常紧张和缺乏自信,认为自己不是适合打鼓的那种人。但是她遇到了一位耐心友善的老师Mike,他没有否定她,反而鼓励她。在Mike的指导下,她开始投入练习,甚至连她的狗Pluto都抱怨她练习太多。随着时间推移,她的进步得到了Mike的肯定。故事的转折点是Mike邀请她参加小型音乐会表演。
      故事的几个关键点和可能的发展方向:
      克服自我怀疑的心理转变过程
      教师与学生之间信任关系的建立
      音乐带来的纯粹快乐与成就感
      家人的支持对个人成长的重要性
      从你提供的续写来看,整体评分在第四档(11-14分)。以下是具体分析:
      内容方面:
      情节基本完整,但部分表达不够自然,如"I stood there as if I had rooted to the ground"
      "give give me"等重复用词显得不够严谨
      "concer stage"的拼写错误影响专业性
      语言表达:
      "nervousness and worries"重复表达同一概念
      "Following with my expectation"的表达不够地道
      "still feel me"的用法不准确
      结构连贯性:
      过渡词运用较少,段落之间的衔接不够流畅
      情感描写略显单薄
      让我来给出一个改进版本,注重展现心理变化和细节描写:
      Shocked by his invitation, I froze on the spot, my heart pounding against my chest. "Me... perform at a concert?" My voice quivered with disbelief. Mike's reassuring smile never wavered as he said, "Yes, you've mastered these pieces perfectly. You're ready for this small concert."
      In that moment of profound silence, I could hear my own heartbeat echoing my father's words from long ago: "Do it, Stephanie." Though anxiety lingered, determination began to take root.
      Walking up on the stage, I drew a deep breath and settled at the drum set. My grip on the drumsticks tightened as I faced the sea of expectant faces. Then I caught sight of Mike and my father in the audience, their encouraging smiles cutting through my nervousness like sunshine through clouds. Letting go of my hesitation, I immersed myself in the rhythm, letting the music flow naturally through my movements. The sheet music seemed to come alive in my mind. When the final beat faded, thunderous applause filled the concert hall. Pure joy coursed through me as my father embraced me backstage, whispering, "You've done brilliantly!" Indeed, I had found my own rhythm, driven purely by passion and love for music.
      主要改进点:
      增加了细腻的心理描写
      优化了场景转换的流畅度
      丰富了感官描写,使画面感更强
      突出了父亲角色的重要性
      完善了故事的主题升华


      IP属地:河南3楼2024-11-07 08:15
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