it is really hard to write this for you. i think you will never read it. because i know that this is my secret place. i will never show you here.


you will have no idea hard i was when i deleted all your contacts, skype, qq and all. you will never know how i wanted to add you back.
those days, i was treated unfair in my company. i wanted to get some comfort. besides you, i couldnot find any one else. i could still remember how you were pissed when i said my superior judging about my hair. i could still remember how sincere you were when you heard me talking about all the crap about my company. How would i suppose to forget all those?

you said you met another girl named Cathy; you said that you liked her even though you did not talk much; you said that all chinese girls were pretty. So what about me? Am i just a common Chinese girl for you? Nothing special for you? I dont get it.

i told you that i felt jealous and heart broken. we have met for more than half a year. you met her for how many days? Maybe, i should never have asked about her. Maybe, i should have never started. Maybe, it was all my fault. Maybe, i did not deserve to be happy. Maybe, i was supposed to end up alone for the rest of my life. Maybe, we should have never started.

Why there is so much misunderstanding between us? This disappearance made you think that i did not care about you, you thought we just wanted to be common friends. But i lowered my attitude to adding you back means i cared so much about you.
At first, i never thought i would like you so much. Everytime, you said I like you, i would say i like you too. when you said i love you, i also said that i like you very much. I never said that i love you back. But there was just one day, i said that i love you too.
In united states, it is easy to say that i love you. but for me, you cannot immagine how hard was for me to say that three words and eight letters expression.

i am a fantacy person. I often think about what life would like if we met, what life would like if i went to the United States and live with you. i will show you here in China and make you to know more about china and chinese people when you are here and flying all the way from USA. you can live in my house, and i will cook food for you. We can visit china, to the places i have never been, spend times together. we can have great time together.
but, you said that you would not come to china until next summer, i really dont know if we can be that close until then. i thought your feelings for me cannot stick that long. I dont have faith in myself.
I also thought about life when i was in USA. You can be the man of the house, and i can be the woman of the house. You go to work for regular time to win the bread for the home, while i will try to do some partime job, like online selling or tutoring chinese. on weekends, we can go out to the virginia beach to see the vast ocean.
But, i cannot go to USA that easy. I am kind of broke here in china. I dont have the finacial ability to go there alone. You know how hard it is to get a visa to USA, especially for chinese people. I have thought about many other ways, like doing the aupair work, or studing there. Money is the biggest obstacle for me. I cannot promise you anything that when i will go to USA. We are not like USA, being the only child in my family, i have responsibilities to support my family and taking good care of my Mom and Dad. I am the only person who can do that for them. Although, my dad has pension, they need me to company them, and being around when they are old.


this is the ideal and reality.

i really want us to be together. I can imagine that we can be happy. we might fight each other, but we will be good 2 mins later.
when i said i was so afraid of the problems we might encounter, you said that those were the problems that you can handle. How sweet you were when i heard you saying these.
You said that i was pretty, there is no one said those words to me before. you said that you liked me just the way i am. you said that you would treat me like a queen. i really take that for real. and dreamed of that day to come.

when i said these to my friends, about you, about our plans, they just act like your friends, saying that it is impossible. They said that i was unrealistic, they said to find someone in china, rather than to dream of going abroad.they said that my mom needs me, my dad needs me, my family needs me. finding a chinese bf would make more sense.


maybe they are right. but i just wanted to give it a shot. and see if these kind of things will really happen. there are a lot of people who married from different country. and they were very happy. please remember the picture i send you. i really hoped that this could happen between us. I will be the one waiting at the airport. and you will be the one who will give me a big hug when we see each other.

you asked me how do i feel. you said that you thought i would never appear in you life. but i came all of a sudden. you said that you sent me plenty of messages. why did't i get one. why He was playing with us. maybe He was punishing me for being such a bitch.
You asked me if i still wanted to be with you. i said yes without hesitation. what our life would be like when i said this to you? i really dont know.

do i really deserve to be happy? why i always make things so complicated? what is wrong with me? uh?

i am a very sensative person. i am afraid of losing you. also i am also afraid of what if we cannot be together in our real life.