The other night I pulled a girl in a nightclub and brought her back to mine for a shag. Just as we were about to get down to business she hesitated saying:
"I don't want to be just another notch on your bedpost."
"Not to worry", I said as I slipped it in, "I don't count the fat ones."
那天晚上我从迪吧带回个妞，正要进入主题的时候，她说
“我可不想成为你床头上划的又一个数字记号。”
我一边cha进一边说
“放心，我不计肥妞。”


Who else's heart skips for a split second when your girlfriend asks to use your computer?
还有谁在女朋友要用你电脑的时候心跳漏一秒的？


回复87楼：
不内涵

My girlfriend announced that she was pregnant earlier.
"You are getting an abortion, aren't you?" I asked.
"I'm thinking about it, but I might want to keep it" she replied, looking for my acceptance.
"Yes, that's fine" I said, "I know the doctor in the clinic personally, and he'll put it in a jar for you".
我女友说她有了。“你会做掉吧，是不？”我问。
“我考虑了，可我也许想留下它……”她说，盼着我答应。
“行，好吧，”我说，“我认识诊所的大夫，他可以给你把它装罐里。”

Thanks to my wife I've just been arrested.
Apparently she asked, "It's a lovely day, why don't you take the kids to the park?"
I'm pretty ****ing sure she said, "From!"
托我老婆的福我给逮起来了。
显然她提过：“天儿不错，你干嘛不把几个孩子‘弄到公园去’？”
我你妹的确认她其实说的是“从公园弄回来”！

On mothers day I aways write poems about my mothers sudden death,
she has said she'd prefer some flowers.
母亲节的时候我总是写些诗献给我母亲，书写她那突然的离世。
她说她倒更想要些鲜花。

有好多贴不上来呢~ 可经典可经典了= =
度娘没有天涯好。
Wife: If i get fat and ugly will you still be with me?
Husband starts laughing
Wife: What??
Husband: Im still here aren't I?
妻子：如果我变胖变丑了，你还会跟我在一起吗？
丈夫开始大笑。
妻子：干嘛？？
丈夫：我还在这呢，有木有？

Man gives blood to save his girlfriend's life -- later they split up and he says gimme the blood back -- she throws him a used tampon and says I'll pay you monthly ya bastard!
某男献血救了女友一命。后来他们分手了，他说，把我的血还我。她扔给他一用过的棉条，说，老娘按揭还你，混球！
这个在国内流传很久。。

I had a few beers tonight and I was just climbing into bed when I thought to myself...
What cunt put my bed up the ****ing tree.
晚上我喝完几个啤的，然后爬上床，一边想：
这操淡玩意！把我床放他妈树上！

Whats the most gullible thing a woman can believe?
Invisible Condoms.
啥是女人能相信的最骗人的玩意？
隐形套套。。。。
唉唉？还有这种东西么。。好神奇

Justin Bieber is planning on adding Japan to his upcoming world tour.
Haven''t they suffered enough?
JB（加拿大当红歌手）打算把日本加进他即将开始的全球巡演中去。
还嫌人家遭的罪不够咋的？
===========我是表示今晚没啥笑点，智商不够用反省去睡觉的可爱分界线===============

As my wife stood perilously on the ledge, I screamed, "Don't do it. Don't jump, go back inside".
Luckily she saw sense and climbed back into the bedroom.
And that's where the fireman found her charred body.
我老婆摇摇欲坠地站在窗台上时，我狂喊：“别！别跳！回屋里去！”
走运的是她恢复理智爬回卧室去了。
就是在那，消防员找到她焦尸的。

这个目前在英语国家地位堪比月亮之上在我国的13岁美少女
Rebbecca Black once said in an interview: "I can't write music without inspiration."
I think you have put 2 words too many in that sentence, love.
Rebbecca Black在一次采访中说：没有灵感，我不能创作音乐。
我觉得前半句多余了，美女~
=====================
她的那首Friday堪称神曲。“早上7点起床、准备下楼、拿碗喝粥。。。”

损老美难道不是一件轻松加愉快的事情吗？
How do you convince Americans to get involved in a war?
Tell them it's nearly finished.
你怎么劝说美国人加入一场战争？
告诉他们快打完了。

The difference between British and Americans
1. Your younger sister is annoying you
British - Tell her to **** off and go write jokes about sisters on Sickipedia
American - Have sex with her
美国人和英国人的区别：
1、你妹一直烦你。
英国人- 叫她滚蛋，然后去sickipedia写几个关于妹妹的段子。
美国人- 把她办了